You never know when or where..
I took pictures of my cat and dog.
Lying together.
In different poses.
One moment there there was this ‘gap’ between them.
At the same time, there was this song:
‘There’s a war inside my head,
and I’m drowning in regrets.’
https://open.spotify.com/track/3S9C6nln4g7FySngPwhWs0?si=fTgUVB2aTdWh-BUTF6NHrw&utm_source=copy-link
That’s when it hit me:
I killed my own cat.
That’s when it hit me..
Unintentionally, but I did.
I killed it. Ran over it.
Backwards.
I didn’t see him.
I felt a bump, riding backwards.
There were big bumps in the road, but this one was too much.
Initially I thought it was something one of the neighbours left there, that I missed and ran over.
I felt agitation about it. What did they…
Then something started to flutter under my car.
I heard it.
I felt it.
I t startled me.
Thought it was a bird or something.
Stopped riding.
Paused.
Hoping the movement beneath my care would stop.
That maybe ‘the bird’ would be able to come out underneath it.
Free itself.
And all would be good.
It didn’t.
I didn’t want to move.
At all.
But new I had to.
I was obliged to the one under my car.
I opened the door.
Looked back.
And saw something I expected the least.
Something furry.
Something familiar.
Something mine.
There he was.
Lying.
Wiggling.
Making the sound I heard before.
My brain immediately connected every piece so far.
And forward.
It didn’t look good.
I panicked.
And my panick went backgrounds.
I had to get out.
Out to him.
To see him.
To comfort him.
To try to comfort what I did to him.
Though I already knew I never could.
He kept wiggling.
I knew it was over.
I knew I just should be there for him.
Be there.
Present.
I pushed myself to it.
But it lasted.
And I started doubting myself.
What if..
What if it wasn’t?
What if every minute counted.?
My sweet baby, I’m sorry, I said
I felt the panick again.
I didn’t know what to do.
And at the same time there was this excruciating guilt.
About what I had done to him.
That he didn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t combine both.
The feeling.
And what I should do.
Unconsiously I disconnected the both.
The way my body new how to.
I tried to remember our last contact moment.
If it was a good one.
If he would die in good memory of me.
Or if our last moments were miserable to him.
My sweet baby, I’m sorry, I said.
I didn’t mean to.
You didn’t deserve this.
You didn’t deserve this.
I watched over the situation again.
All in split seconds.
Dediced this would probably be his last minutes.
Dedicated myself to be with him as best as I could.
Setting myself aside.
To comfort him.
To say sorry, over and over.
To just try and be there.
In the best of my abilities.
I tried to remember our last contact moment
The moment I thought it was over.
When he lied still.
I called my best friend.
To cry out about it.
Fortunately she picked up.
She heard me.
Said she would come over immediately.
Whe hanged up.
And out of nothing he started fluttering again.
What later apeared to be his last movements.
It took so long.
The animal ambulance would have never been there in time.
And even if they did, it wouldn’t have mattered.
I tried to comfort myself with that.
I still do.
But it took so long..
And I’m so sorry.
I’m so, so sorry..
Still.
After almost two years
I’m so sorry..
And I’m not over it.
At all.
